I don’t know if other grievers have ever heard or felt this way, but before things with Harrison happened, I was a firm believer in Karma. I thought if I am a good person and do good things, it will return to me. My outlook on life was very positive. I felt in control and nothing was going to get in the way of this life I wanted to live.

I’ve had some struggles, even before Harrison. I conquered them. Literally, nothing stopped me. Those stories are for another post.

I want to talk about Karma today. Seems like a lot of people believe in this outlook. I see a lot of my friends posting on social media “karma’s a bitch”, so…where did I go SO wrong in my life to deserve loosing my son?

When Harrison was in the NICU, struggling for life, all I could do was watch. I felt helpless and guilty. What did I do wrong? What mistake did I make? Should I have done something else? Should I have been more assertive with my midwife? Why didn’t I speak up?! People kept telling me “don’t worry, it will turn around, you guys are good people”. I seriously struggled with the concept of karma. How could this be happening to us? WHAT did I do wrong? I begged and prayed for an answer. I have done some silly things in my life, made some decisions as a younger person I’m not super proud of, but how could ANY of that equal up to this?

I read a lot of books on grief (and still continue to) and one thing that really struck me is how your loss can shake your beliefs and change your outlook. I no longer believe in karma. I truly don’t understand it anymore, and honestly I don’t understand how anyone believes in it. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong…I don’t believe I did anything in my life to deserve watching my son struggle the way he did. I would never wish that on anyone.

Bad things still happen to good people. Life literally hands you a deck of cards and you can’t change your hand. You have to play what you’ve been given. If you’ve never experienced something so devastatingly awful that it shakes you and your family to the core, consider yourself lucky. Thank God, the universe and everything else you believe in. At this point in my life, I believe some people just get shit cards, while others get the aces.

As a nurse, I’ve seen some really terrible situations. I know what happened to Harrison and our family is really shitty. It shouldn’t have happened. I wish every day that it was different. But it’s not. I also know there are plenty more really awful and difficult situations out there, just like ours. Some of these situations don’t have the support we did. Some don’t have the family. Some don’t have the resources. None of these people “deserve” their situations.

I try every day to do the best I can with the cards I’ve been given. These are my cards, and my hope is that I can use them to help others on their journey.

Thank you all for reading!


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