Happy Valentine’s Day Harrison! I miss your sweet little face so much.
I remember the first time I came in and you looked at me. Your sad eyes called me and said “mommy”. I cried because you had been so out of it for weeks on a fentanyl drip. I was so happy to see your eyes open, but it ripped me apart. I wanted to take you out of there, wrap you in a blanket and bring you home. I wanted to rescue you, I felt so helpless. All I could do was watch. Watch as you suffered and struggled. They had no answers for us. I couldn’t let go. I held onto hope until you took your last breath.
I wished so badly to be able to bring you home. Show you how beautiful your room turned out with the moon and star stickers big sister put up. Daddy worked so hard painting and setting up furniture for you! I was so mad at him, I told him to not worry about it, to come to the NICU and be with you. He said we have to be ready for when you come home!
Your room is still set up, I know you’re there sometimes. I sit on the floor and think about what it would’ve been like to hold you at 2AM, to nurse you, to change your diaper or dress you on the changing table, to watch you bounce in the bouncer that Ava bounced in, to laugh at daddy and Ava with you.
God I miss you so much Harrison. If I had just 5 minutes to hold you and squeeze you, I might not ever let you go. I miss those sweet eyes.
My heart will always have an empty spot for you. I love you.