Slumped

No writing lately. I feel stuck in a slump. I feel very overwhelmed right now with some things going on in our lives. I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, anger, confusion. So much so that I don’t even know what to type or write down.

I feel like I am holding on with one finger. I’m exhausted. Some days I don’t change out of my pajamas, I have no motivation. I feel like I just want to get back to myself, but I know that I will never be “myself”. Perhaps it is the hormones or lack of sleep.

Sometimes I feel so angry at the world, like why was this given to me? I think of Harrison and I think of his pain and his burden and then I feel guilty for even feeling that anger.

Sometimes I am like this. I feel like things will never get better. I feel like the counseling will never help. The medications are worthless. It’s like a sick cycle. And trying to break free of it is proving difficult.

Harrison’s birthday is on Sunday and I suspect this is why I’m feeling like this. February 11 was the last day I felt him move. I purposely didn’t look at my calendar because I was afraid of seeing this date. Then I look and it’s March 1. Already. I remember this time last year and I am so mad at myself for not speaking up. For not insisting that I needed an ultrasound earlier. I will never get that back.

Why do I carry these things?