Thoughts on the rainbow

Not everyone gets to feel this joy.

I am getting closer and closer to delivering our rainbow. It makes me more and more anxious. All I can think about are all the ways this can go wrong.

We’ve been buying the rest of the items we needed, setting up the rest of his room, putting away clothes, deciding on a name.

Deciding on a name was really hard for me. I don’t know if my husband feels the same. I’ve never felt this way about a name. Finally, this week, we decided on a first name. Bennett means blessing. When I googled the name it came up with “sibling names” and what do you know…there’s my Harrison.

I think Harrison agrees, I think he likes his little bros name. I know Ava likes it because she’s been calling him Baby Ben and Benny for months now.

All the hustle and bustle for the rainbow makes me miss Harrison so much.

I often feel like I’m in that initial fog of grief again. I can’t focus and I am going through it all blindly, without a clear view. I’m having a difficult time getting my words together to write, I feel absolutely exhausted at the end of the day.

I know Bennett’s birth will be an emotional one. I know I will be bawling my brains out. Our family is so excited. My husband, is so excited. I haven’t seen the joy in his eyes like this in quite some time. It scares me and makes me happy all at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like I am holding my breath, and I can’t breathe until I hear this kid crying. I think that’s why It was so difficult for me to be set on a name for him.

To my followers who’s been through their own rainbow pregnancies and births…share your experiences with me. I’d love to hear someone else’s positivity and how they held it all together.


Thanks for reading!

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