Last Easter, Harrison was relatively stable, critical, but we were finally able to hold him. He was off the special ventilator that vibrated him constantly. He still had many troubles with collapsing his lungs, high pressure and oxygen settings on the ventilator. We had no idea what the future held. He loved being held, he loved the massages and was tolerating music. I thought we were making progress.
On Easter Sunday, I rushed through the morning with Ava and got up to the hospital to be with him for a couple hours before going to be with our family for a little bit. I held him and loved on him. I brought him a little Easter basket with a funny headband that was massive on him, a little chick book and we read and cuddled.
This year, Harrison is not with us. Harrison is in heaven this Easter. Life is different. I’m expecting our third child. God willing, he will be here on Monday. I got my steroid shots yesterday and today. Things are unfolding in a “normal” way. We installed the car seat. That was something we never got to with Harrison. We waited and waited to get the okay but it never came. I cried after the car seat was in. I remember picturing Harrison in the car seat. Strolling around the neighborhood.
It is bittersweet being here. I am beyond happy to have our new baby coming, healthy, however with this pregnancy and delivery comes with a whirlwind of emotions. I feel guilty that I couldn’t carry Harrison the way the rainbow has been carried. Calm. Very little morning sickness. This rainbow pregnancy has been a very stereotypical pregnancy with swelling feet, sore back, incredible hunger pains, exhaustion… literally every basic pregnancy complaint. Harrison’s pregnancy was not like that at all. The morning sickness was out of this world. I was never hungry. I knew from the beginning that something was wrong. I remember telling my midwife my complaints and she just said “every pregnancy is different”. And I believed her. I trusted her. However I never got the help I needed from her. My concerns were never validated.
This rainbow pregnancy has been worlds different. I can’t wait to meet this guy. I hope the delivery is as basic as the pregnancy. I know I will be bawling when I hear this kid cry. Something Harrison never did.
Happy Easter everyone.