Hope and love

My apologies the blog has not been active for quiet some time! It has been a struggle to find the time to write. Things have been a little crazy since Bennett was born.

It was extremely difficult to find words when Bennett was born. I struggled with feelings of being overwhelmed and anxiety, I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I felt like no one was ever happy around me and it was all because of me. Anything that went wrong, was my fault. I felt inadequate and literally asked myself over and over again “why do I even try?”. I know I was at high risk for postpartum depression and anxiety but I didn’t even think for a minute that this is what was happening. I talked numerous times to my amazing OB, Dr Kerr, and I told her I was doing just fine. She kept a close eye on me and thank god for it. Finally at 6 weeks postpartum, after telling her how things were going, she said “okay what do you want to do?” She offered counseling and meds and said she was worried about me and told me she wanted me to enjoy my family.

At that point, it was like someone offered me a hand out of the darkness. I took it and began to see the light. It felt like I was being pulled out of a pit of black.

I remember I was crying and so angry over dinner. I was yelling at my husband and Ava and I felt so alone and overwhelmed. I felt like this is just temporary due to lack of sleep and adjusting to two kiddos, and clearly the mind fuck that is infant loss. I felt like at any moment things would go horribly wrong in any way possible. I didn’t think at all, that I didn’t have to struggle. I didn’t think that it didn’t have to be like that.

She prescribed me Celexa and I started it immediately. It did take a couple weeks for me to start feeling better, probably about 2 months to really start to feel good again. So good that I started putting Bennett to breast again, instead of pumping constantly. Breastfeeding was something I knew I wanted to do, I longed to do it for Harrison but could only pump breastmilk for him to get through a tube. Gradually, we did it more and more until he received bottles only when I was gone or needed extra sleep.

I was beginning to be happy again. Things felt less overwhelming. I began to find joy again in the day to day life and love my husband and enjoy my beautiful family.

Now I am 6 months postpartum and honestly feeling great. I feel like myself again. I haven’t felt like this in probably close to 2 years.

I am so happy and thankful for my OB for recommending medication. I always liked counseling face to face but at that point I was so overwhelmed that there was no way I would make it to counseling. I don’t think I could’ve even brought myself to a session. The medication brought me back to life and allowed me to smile and even be confident again.

To my readers, if you are ever feeling like this, please reach out to me, to your OB or husband or family member. Anyone. Don’t stay in that hole of darkness any longer.

As women and moms we need to offer that hand to each other if we see someone struggling. Offer that hand to someone grieving, struggling or feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Raise each other up in hope and love.


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