Sometimes I still get sad, about the way I wish things could’ve been.
Sometimes I still get mad, about the way things happened.
Sometimes I still get confused, why did this happen? Why my family?
Sometimes I still feel guilty, could I have do something different?
Sometimes, the tears still flow like it happened just yesterday. The uncontrollable sobbing that hurts your heart, that sticks in your stomach and aches to stop.
Sometimes I understand why people bury their loss, don’t talk about it, don’t think about it. The pain becomes almost too much to bear.
Sometimes I feel like I could stay here, in this spot, feeling all this forever, maybe then that would equal the amount of suffering you went through.
Sometimes I cry out your name and wonder if it was all just a terrible dream, how can this life possibly be real? How could this have happened to a mother who loved you and wanted you so much?
Sometimes the love I have in my heart for you hurts to feel, hurts to think about.
Sometimes I feel hopeless, does it ever get better?
Sometimes I feel you through my other children, one look they give me, a way they move, for a second I think it’s you.
Sometimes I bury these feelings, deep in my heart and brain, because I can’t stand to feel them any longer.
Sometimes I wish you were here, filling my arms, making me smile the way your sister and brother do.
Sometimes I smile thinking of you, I remember your little life, your little body in my arms. I remember holding you to my face to kiss your cheek.
I remember you.
I love you up to the moon, I love you big as the sky.